I'd like to be in the meeting when the royals decide where to send their family members on visits. As second in line to the throne, it's only fitting that serious William gets to work in the Falkland Islands to save a few lives, sparking an almighty diplomatic calamity.
And so Jamaica - stereotyped as the land of Rastamouse, batty-riding shorts, and people drinking rum out of coconut - was always going to get Harry.
The media this week lapped up his photocall with Usain Bolt, who made one of our finest princes look like an ugly ginger dwarf (do you remember how oddly dashing he seemed at Kate and Will's wedding, do you? Did that ever happen?)
Newspapers and TV newsmen were falling over themselves to report the hilarious antics of the rogue-ish prince, who cheated to get a head start in the 100metres. What a game posh bloke he is! Wonder at his ability not to take himself too seriously! I don't think I read a single negative word about the outing. Perhaps everyone was so excited about a press trip to Jamaica their critical faculties departed. I found it all rather cringeworthy and embarrassing. I hated watching Bolt have to look grateful and impressed to be around royalty.
It all reminded me of a documentary I had seen about the Nashi, Putin's youth movement. Its members are brainwashed by a cult of personality (Putin dives for pottery! Putin wrestles naked with a bear! etc)
Thank god then for the wonderful Portia Simpson Miller, prime minister of the island. She played along with Ol' Ginge Windsor with the hugs on the doorstep, but she took out a sharp little flickknife when she said it was time for the island to "take charge of it's own destiny". I have to admit, I didn't even realise that the Queen was still head of state in Jamaica, so I'm glad she pointed this out.
I'm quite a royalist at heart - I believe the royal family is a useful thing for Britain to have - but the idea of the Queen being the symbolic leader of a tropical island full of people descended from slaves? Surely this nation doesn't still require a white woman in London to oversee it still?