The Government's latest high-level strategy to combat the nation's so-called obesity crisis will be the "resealable Dairy Milk bar". I imagine it will be about as effective as the hi-tech slimming device we have in my house: "the resealable biscuit tin."
The proposed introduction of this incredible bar is part of a gamut of bold measures, including Asda bringing in a low calorie range. Having tried their standard high calorie ranges, I dread to think what the slimmers' versions will taste like.
But Andrew Lansley is barking up the wrong tub of Slim-Fast. He should be talking to Theresa May about her alcohol minimum pricing policy.
Rather than setting a minimum price for booze, why not print the calorie content on a big red label on the front? Some alcohol already comes in conveniently resealable bottles so we're half way there already. It might at least make a handful of conscientious women think twice about that eighth Bacardi Breezer.
Set a minimum price for burgers and chocolate and bombs away - a svelte nation once again we shall be.
Not convinced? Me neither. It is our Americanised culture of cars and parkways and out-of-town malls and 24-hour Tescos and concreted playing fields and TV advertising and Playstations and sendentary desk jobs that is responsible for all of this.
Lay off the NHS, Tory fat-arses. And lay off my Mars Duo. I'm lactating a 12 kg baby and 360 calories ain't nothing.