How 'setting a good example' is the toughest parenting challenge of all

As anyone who has been there knows, being a perfect parent can be mighty exhausting.

From making sure your child’s school trousers are the appropriate hue of black, to ensuring they consume at least one vegetable per week.

From paying for the endless swimming classes to meeting your tweenager’s growing need for independence in the face of increasing gang violence, it’s a slog.

But none of this exhausting stuff is anything in the face of the most tiring part of all: setting a good example at all times, and never ever losing it. Ever.

I’ve always done incredibly well on the spinach part of parenting, but the whole ‘pretending to be perfectly calm and unemotional’ is the most taxing of all.

I know the theory, sure, sure. You have to be the ‘adult’, you have to make them feel secure, provide consistency in an uncertain world. Blah blah, obviously I’ve read the books.

But I have to admit, I’ve never really been able to protect my kids from how I am feeling, for better or for worse. They know when I’m happy, they know when I’m sad or anxious and there’s no mistaking the sound I make when I’m angry at them.

Whisper it people, I do also occasionally swear in their earshot (sorry mum).

I feel bad about all this. I would love to be a perfectly ego-less, floaty Stepford Mum at all times, but it just doesn’t feel realistic.  

These thoughts came to the fore on Monday when celebrity posh mum Kirstie Allsopp admitted to smashing her sons’ ipads to stop them playing computer games (after repeated warnings).

She claimed she had not smashed them ‘in a violent way’ but one can imagine her children’s lack of response to her demands to stop had wound her up pretty far by then.

I was delighted by her confession, and like some others, congratulated her on taking an extreme stand.

But there was also a sanctimonious outpouring of judgement against her. She was accused of ‘throwing a tantrum and embarrassing herself’ and ‘setting a poor example’ to her children. There were also gripes about wasting expensive Apple hardware.

All true, perhaps. Maybe it was a bit childish. But, at the same time, why shouldn’t her children see that their mother gets angry? Maybe, like a good parent, she was following through on a threat? Being anything less than measured isn’t abusing your child, it’s exposing them to reality.

They are going to have to deal with this stuff in the real world, so a little gentle training from someone who loves them very much is surely a good thing?
I’m not advocating bad parenting, or not making an effort to control yourself. Believe me, I’m making an effort most hours of most days.

I just think parents should be allowed to be ‘themselves’ from time to time and not be judged too much, especially by people with no experience of their lived reality. If that means  they set a slightly bad example, are a little bit childish or smash a naughty kid's ipad, so be it.