The Good Life: My resolutions for a more homespun 2019

 

"Headlice are lovely once you get to know them. And their offspring are very polite" 

After the exhausting consumerist frenzy of Christmas (where I got to know the staff of my local Argos by name) I have decided to make some small resolutions this year towards a more self-sufficient and wholesome family life. Wish me luck:

1.     Sign up to the (extremely long) local allotment waiting list. With any luck, this will mean I am cropping potatoes by the time my kids go to university. Self-sufficiency in retirement! Whoop! It will be interesting to see if I am allotted an allotment before I am allotted a single life-enhancing session of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS. Updates expected: 2023.

2.     Don't bother with the expensive products, just learn to love nits. It is a truth universally acknowledged that all children everywhere have some sort of low-level infestation at all times. But lice are lovely once you get to know them. And their offspring are very polite – not fussy eaters either.

3.     Do not depend on the promise of Haribos (re-formed pig foot ooze) as my main child discipline tool. Surely I can make them obey using only a piece of dried apple?

4.     Set a good example to children by practising handycrafts in the living room and singing folk songs, rather than my usual habit of flicking through the Lidl brochure occasionally yelping “Wow, you can get a belt sander for under £25!”

5.     Apply myself to more bottling and pickling. How hard can it be? I probably won't eat the results unless there's a massive Brexit apocalypse,  but those knackered beetroots will look great on the shelf and they will keep for ever.

6.     Invest in/knit more woollen items, and more moth balls. I am entering my Wool Period. That’s what homeworking in a Victorian terrace does to you.

7.     Talking of Victorian terraces, learn to love mice. They only shit quite a lot in your breakfast cereal, it’s really nothing to feel squeamish about (it so is).

8.     Fried tofu is nicer than steak. Fried tofu is nicer than steak (repeat until I believe it)

9.     Tell the kids to stop eating Christmas chocolate. It’s February, for god’s sake, it’s nearly time to start on the Kinder Surprises. Or indeed the 'naturally sweet' carob chips.