As ever, I have an overwhelming desire to speculate upon the exact shade of Just for Men that David Cameron might be using lately, but that is such a trivial subject for a post and I must stop right here.
I also have an overwhelming urge to research an appropriate hue for Andrew "Pleb" Mitchell, whose now rockbottom standing in the popularity stakes could surely be improved by a little coloration. As newsreader Fiona Bruce pointed out earlier this month, colour is what the people expect out of celebrity hair and that is what they shall get. Blond works fantastically well for Boris, but perhaps a blue rinse or chestnut brown might suit Mitchell's weighty mop.
But I'm not sure even a night in with the Nice 'n' Easy can save the man now. His strangely unapologetic apology was the point of no return. Instead of a jolly, Borissy "Ok chaps, so I called them plebs, it was meant to be affectionate" he said he didn't use "the words attributed to me."
He was clearly reluctant to actually say "I didn't say pleb" out of fear of the footage being spliced into a remix of Korean comedy pop-hit Gangnam Style on Youtube. You can only imagine the autotuned "pleb, pleb pleb" falling out of his mouth to the techno beats. Oh, if only I had the technical know-how. If only he had actually said "pleb."
This is, of course, all great news for newspapers. No one likes a "who said what" row. It's like being at school. Which is pretty much the level at which British politics and media operates.